My Test Of Strength

There is no better feeling in the world than the feeling of your babies giving you a cuddle. For the first time since Sunday, I was able to give Little Jay a proper cuddle. A kiss. Show him how much I love him. How much this week has scared me and made me blessed that he is still a part of our life. Today was the first day I had seen Bug Man since Monday. It is the first time I have ever been away from him for so long. Even when I had Little Jay, I still saw Bug Man every day. But today, today the baby in him seemed gone. Today he was all little boy. Today he seemed taller. Saying more words. Being so cheeky. Being the amazing little boy that I love and have missed so much that my heart hurts. How could such a week make such a difference to a little boy. It made me realise I never want to spend that long away from him again. The time is going to fast. He is growing too quick. My first born is no longer a baby, but a inquisitive, cheeky almost 2 year old. 

Having Little Jay so sick has changed me so much. How can a week much such a difference. It has changed my focus. It has changed my life goals. It truly changed my understanding of what it is most important in my life. My husband. My babies. My parents. My small family that I have created. They are the most important part of my life. Everything else has a place, but not the place that they hold. They take up the biggest part of my heart. The biggest part of my life. The biggest part of who I am. I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a daughter. I am me. But without all the other parts of who I am. I am no one. 

The last 6 days have been the scariest days of my life. I have never known the fear that comes with having such a sick child. Now, I completely understand that there are children in the world so much worse than Little Jay. But in my bubble and my world, my Little Jay has been very sick. At day 5 he was still requiring oxygen pressure and every attempt they have had to wean him off it, resulted in them needing to increase it. Little Jay was also battling a tempretuare, so they have been watching closely for a secondary infection. Luckily at this stage it just all seemed to be related to the virus. But no one likes to see their baby spike a temperature and have the heart rate go above 215. But tonight it has come right down. 

This morning we woke and wow what an improvement. He was finally stable for the first time since we arrived. No backwards steps. The decision was made to wean off the oxygen pressure. Wow, what an emotional day. I've never watched the chest of a little person with so much interest in my life. With every breathe, was Little Jay struggling? Was the struggle his little body just recovering? I'm positive the doctors and nurses are sick of me today. Today is the day, I feel like i've really been on edge. So much waiting has happened over the last week. So much energy. So many emotions. So many times of sitting here feeling useless and praying that our tiny Little Jay would start to get better. Tonight he is sleeping peacefully. Tonight he is without any oxygen assistance. Tonight I sit here and hope that this means we are on the home stretch and his body is now resting after doing all the fighting it needed to to get rid of the virus that has ravaged him.

I sit here in the dark listening to Little Jay and reflect on how I have coped this week. How I have amazed myself at how strong I have stayed during this entire time. How I have been his advocate. His voice. His comfort. I sit and reflect on the change in myself. How a month ago, I could have never handled this situation. Of how far I have come. How far I still have to go before I am fully recovered. I sit and reflect how at each step forward towards recovery, he took 2 steps back and I managed to maintain the strength he needed from me to know that everything would be ok. Today is the first day he has really remained stable all day, but it has been hard to grasp that there really isn't much they could do other than keep him comfortable. It is amazing how strong something like this makes you. You are not only their mother, you are their advocate. You are their voice. I have become Little Jay's voice. I ensured that I was voice he needed me to be to make sure that the level of care he has been receiving is the best. 

The experience has made me realise that our medical system is a shambles but the doctors and nurses do an amazing effort with the resources available. It has opened my eyes to the fact there are medical staff that really care and there are medical staff that are just here to do a job. They don't have the same compassion. The same empathy. The heart and reassurance needed when you have a sick child. They speak at you, not to you. Like you should understand. But all I have wanted is comfort and reassurance that he would improve, that he is improving, that they really are doing everything they can for him. I feel blessed to have been surrounded by doctors and nurses that have done that. They have really created big shoes to fill on our return for Little Jay's next surgery.

Deep down, I don't feel like I will ever recover from those moments on Sunday. The what if moments, that even though I know Little Jay is ok, still sneak into my mind. Into my heart. Into my soul. They make me question the type of mother I am. Am I attentive enough. Do I show love enough. Do I give enough kisses. Do I give enough cuddles. I even questioned with my mum, do I even deserve to be celebrated for Mothers Day. So many doubts. So many second guesses. So little faith in myself. Maybe one day all those fears will leave, but for now they are part of who I am. They keep me on my toes. 

Now, while I have been camped out in Little Jay's hopsital room. DaddaG has been holding down the home front with Bug Man. What a man! He really is the best. With both of us busy taking care of one of our precious boys each, our comunication is limited to quick phone calls and lots of text messages and photos. It is funny how one person at times can drive you so unbelievably crazy at times. But at the same time when you are separated, it makes you realise how important they really are. How much you really do love them. How much of a part of you they are. Sometimes it is nice to be reminded and to remind ourselves of the important people in our lives. To be reminded of those people that we can really rely on. DaddaG, I couldn't have survived this without you. I should make another extra special mention to my amazing parents. You are a huge part of our little family and never forget how important you are to us. 

So for now I look forward to another visit from Bug Man and DaddaG tomorrow. I look forward to the prospect of going home. I look forward to our family once again being one. It is the longest our family has ever been a part and our family feels broken and fractured. I sit and look forward to when we can take Little Jay home. I look forward to Little Jay continuing to improve and hope that that day is soon.