Every since Little Jay was born I have really struggled with anxiety and PND, to the point I have basically withdrawn from all aspects of my social life. There are very few places I am actually comfortable going and very few people I am actually comfortable around. But today is a test. Today I have a very close friends baby shower. But this morning the anxiety as started to kick in. Now this doesn't feel like that little oh there will be lots of new people there I won't know. This is gut wrenching, nausea causing anxiety to the point I want to stay home. I feel safe at home. All my thoughts are safe and at home there is no one to judge but myself. I have lots of moments where I feel crazy, but this has come from no where. It's not like I haven't been preparing myself for weeks. I've organised Bug Man to go to my parents until DaddaG finishes work, so that I can relax and enjoy myself wihtout having to worry about toddler meltdowns. But I will still be going with Little Jay in toe. But that's where the anxiety really begins.
See Little Jay has been really sick all week, to the point we took him off to Emergency. So now in the back of my mind is "oh my god" what if he starts his horror movie vomiting again... He hasn't actually really vomitted that bad in over 24 hours.
Then there are the questions. What sort of baby is Little Jay??? Do people really want to hear the truth?? He is a hard baby. I have had months of little sleep and a whole lot of crying. Months of figuring out formulas. We have had surgery that killed all the hard work we had done out. And then don't even get me started on the never ending ear issues and the lack of treatment he has received from the local Public Hospital.... That in its self is a whole other blog! It's a baby shower... someone is sure to ask.... what do I say?? Do I lie??? Hmmmm..... I have no idea what the right response is????
Then the anxiety about myself kicks in.... I feel fat! I feel like everything I own makes me look fat! I don't feel comfortable in my body. I had 2 babies in under 2 years, it takes it's toll but is it really an accuse for 6 months post Little Jay still looking this way??? Am I just full of excuses not to exercise or do I just really not have time???
Then there is the thing I now fear most.... I hate making small talk with people that I don't know. I feel uncomfortable and self-conscious around people I don't know. Especially when I feel like I have nothing to add to conversations. What do I have to talk about... my boys??? Do people really want to just hear about them??? They are my life and I am SO proud of them, but not everyone wants to hear about them!! I have very few friends post Bug Man and Little Jay. DaddaG and my mum are the only people I really talk to on a regular basis. On one hand I feel sad and pathetic that that's what my life has become but on the other hand I can't imagine my life with out Bug Man and Little Jay!
All these thoughts are plaguing my mind. I can't help it. I feel crazy. The fear is so overwhelming I just want to stay home... I mentally know I can't do that. I want to be there to celebrate the impending birth of my friends baby. Plus I spent an hour last night preparing the hamper with all the little things I brought for her.
So for now I sit here in the quiet while both boys nap *yay* and ponder the afternoon ahead...... I want to wish my beautiful friend a very happy baby shower and I can't wait to meet your new bundle of joy. You will be an amazing mumma xxx
So much of this resonates with me!! I feel incapable of leaving the house often. I am uncomfortable in group situations where im not sure sure how i fit in.
ReplyDeleteAnd post baby body, Urgh, i was fighting that battle when i got pg with Mr J! You have had a full on 2 years, be kind to yourself (i say sitting here in maternity pants because my 'normal' pants are too tight).
Good luck this afternoon,i hope you are pleasantly surprised :-) enjoy yourself xxx
I remember going to a friend's baby shower with Perky (#2) in tow at a few months old. I knew *no-one* but got to talking to another mum who ended up discussing her daughter's inherited eye gene defect which has already started causing her vision difficulties. She talked about the guilt, genetic testing, in fact many of the same things you guys went through. Did I care? Not a bit! She didn't set out to talk about herself.
ReplyDeleteOn the other side of the fence and definitely not to trivialise your emotional mindset, people also don't want to hear about how beautiful and problem free your kid is. We are all afraid of being judged, so we all tone it down. I think the best approach is to go in prepared to talk to other peopla bout their kids and lives, and if someone asks, give them a little snippet of information. If they care or are genuinely interested, they'll ask. Otherwise the conversation will naturally turn. And with strangers sometimes that's for the best. I hope you have fun despite your anxiety hun. xx