A Good Old Dose of Mummy Guilt!!

So on the weekend a lovely mummy in my Mums Group (don't knock it!) posted this article about mummy guilt:

http://blogs.kidspot.com.au/villagevoices/5-ways-to-beat-mother-guilt/

This actually really resonates with me today. I'm at home and not at work. Little Jay has a horrible stomach bug and has had it pretty much all weekend, but got worse last night. I'm actually pretty torn these days between staying home with my sick little men and going to work. See when I'm not being a mumma, I'm an accountant. I'm actually a pretty good one... not to toot my own horn. I've been doing it since I left school and was one of those nerdy people that gave up their slacker uni days to work and study. It was a bloody hard slog and it took me 6 years to get my degree and then another 2 to get those sacred 2 letters (CA) to make me actually qualified at what I had been doing for years. In my pre-kiddie days, I was a dedicated hard worker that put all my time and energy into my job and of course my study. Don't get me wrong, I had a pretty great social life but during work hours my mind was always on the job. 

Then I meet DaddaG and my priorities changed. In my last year of study, I feel in love and while preparing for my last ever exam, we planned our wedding. It was pretty stressful, but DaddaG helped me through it. Not long after the wedding we found out we were expecting Bug Man and suddenly work didn't really seem like the most important thing anymore. I worked through my whole pregnancy and finished 2 weeks before my due date (I was optimistic that he would arrive early, but no he arrived the day after his due date!). I took the 5 months paid parental leave and went back to work. We had a pretty amazing set up, so that Bug Man was only in care 1 day out of the 4 days I worked. He got 2 fun filled days with DaddaG and a day with his nanna and poppa. Part of me was glad to be back at work and to find my identity again. But part of me mourned missing that time with Bug Man.

Then, not long after being back at work we found out we were expecting Little Jay. He was a planned surprise and once again I worked right until the very end. Trying to dedicate myself as much as possible to my job, which I had only started 6 months earlier. While at the same time trying to give Bug Man as much dedicated mummy time as possible. It was hard work and I spent my whole pregnancy exhausted. It was totally worth it and when Little Jay arrived, I feel in love all over again. However, this time was different. The thought of returning to work daunted me from day one. How was I going to cope and even more so I knew that when my 5 months was up I wouldn't be ready to go back to work. Not only was I leaving 1 baby, this time I was leaving 2. We still have the same amazing set up, with an added bonus that I now even put in hours from home. 

But the problem is I'm not ready to be at work, I'm there because I have to be (sadly the mortgage and bills don't go away and Centrelink aren't generous to us!). I'm torn and no longer seem to have the motivation and drive that I had pre-kiddies. I spend my days at work wanting to be at home with my boys and then when I am home, especially on days like today I can't help but think I let my team down. It's a never ending cycle where I always feel pulled and like I can never give 100% to anything. I feel like some days I wish I could throw the towel in and be a SHAM, but I also know that I have worked bloody hard to get where I am in my job and it is now part of who I am, so letting it go isn't as easy as it sounds. Now I'm sure you have all read 100's of blogs about Mumma Guilt (to anyone that is actually reading this!) and no doubt all stories are the same.

But coming back to this article, I can't help but massively disagree that "feeling guilty is a choice"! I don't think I choose to feel this way. I think as mothers the natural desire to be with our children and then having to be separated is what causes the guilt. I feel constant guilt that I'm not being a good enough mother, wife, employee and friend but the reality is we get spread so thin that it is impossible to not feel guilty about not doing one of those things right. Maybe I'm wrong. I have know to be overtime and I will admit that.... although please don't tell DaddaG, he will use it against me...., but for me that guilt seems to have been ingrained in me since becoming a mother.

One thing I do LOVE about this article is the last point "Would you judge another mother for doing what you do?" Hell no! I would give her a god damn medal! Not only do I help raise 2 little boys, with 1 being a heart beat away from the terrible 2's but the other with a list of health issues that never gets any shorter. I also cook, clean, do washing, do the food shopping, balance the cheque book, go to work, work from home.... and the list really just goes on! No wonder I am always tired. No wonder I feel so spread out. No wonder I have massive mumma guilt because I never really see all that I do. I only see what I don't do!!!