Not The Sunday We Had Planned!!

Wow! What a week it has been! I am currently taking a break from Little Jay's hospital bedside to get some air and have a much needed coffee. Sadly this visit isn't his much anticipated palate repair. 

See our little house has been surrounded with germs for the last month or more. Little Jay has been battling chronic ear infections thanks to the lack of post op care he received after they put some grommets in to help with his hearing. But on top of that he has also battled a case of severe gastro that resulted in a visit to emergency to check for dehrdation after he wasn't able to keep anything down. At the same time Bug Man has been battling broncolitlis. Now this is where it all goes massively down hill! 

Little Jay decided that he couldn't miss out on having the god awful cough that his brother had and on Saturday he started coughing like a mad man. Naturally, I didn't think much of it. I guessed straight away what it was and just kept an eye on his tempretaure and his feeding, which were all normal. Sunday morning we get up and are having a lazy start to the day now that the weather has started to turn. DaddaG had just cooked me and Bug Man an awesome breakfast and while we sat and ate as a family Little Jay munched on some toast. It was such a normal start to the morning. I cleaned up and put Little Jay down for his morning sleep. Not long after Bug Man went down for his. DaddaG was sitting down to play some playstation and I was just about to fold my massive pile of nappies that I had been neglecting for days when I hear Little Jay cough. I got up to check him and I thank god every day I did, because he was every mothers worst nightmare. Little Jay had started to turn blue from his coughing fit. I picked him up and rushed him out to DaddaG. We were trying to decide if to take him to the after hours doctor or brave another visit to emergecny after being sent home the week before. On a whim, I decided to ring my mum. I explained what had happened and she screamed at me to call an ambulance. 

Naturally I was pretty calm at that point and couldn't phalam that my baby needed an ambulance. I rang the ambulance and it was there in minutes.... we live close to a station. The paramedic took one look at Little Jay and said "he had earned him self a ride to hospital". I've never been in an ambulance in my 30 years, the last thing I ever expected to have happen was having to take my 6 month old in one. The ride to hospital seemed like it took forever! We arrived and luckily my mum had just arrived as we pulled up. DaddaG was still at home with a sleeping Bug Man. On arrival this is where the nightmare really began. We were rushed into the room and Little Jay was laid on the table. Never in my life will I forget as they gave him oxygen and medication because he was having so much trouble breathing on his own. They put in a IV and started giving fluids. He was dehydrated and I didn't even know it! I can't fault the emergency staff. For the 1st time ever, I was so impressed with the level of care he was receiving that I knew calling the ambulance was the right thing to do. They did blood tests, swabs, xrays and the list went on. In the early afternoon we were taken to the ward and locked down in isolation. Little Jay was struggling to breathe, but still pretty happy and feeding like normal. The day went so fast in a blur and we both crashed early and had a pretty good night. For the first night in a few days he only woke once. 

Little Jay yesterday morning

We awoke yesterday morning and aside from the chrionic wheezy and cough he was pretty happy and still feeding. And then by 11am he just slipped downhill. It became harder and harder for him to breathe. He was having coughing episodes that lasted up to 5 minutes and he couldn't catch his breath. He stopped feeding well. I started to get worried and kept buzzing the nurses. Eventually the afternoon doctor had a look and she saw how hard his tiny little body was working to breathe. With every breath, you could see his chest contract. I have never felt so useless. Watching my baby struggle in so much pain and not being able to do anything to comfort him. He couldn't even be picked up because it would set off a coughing fit. Not to mention all the wires and machines he is hooked up too. That afternoon doctor decided to check Little Jays swabs and blood results. They still hadn't completely ruled out whooping cough. Now the first mention of that and my mind is going wild! But luckily the swabs were negative and the bloods confirmed a case of RSV (Respiratory Syncytial Virus) which when bad enough causes the bronchiolitis. Late last night with a confirmed diagnosis, the amazing doctor made the decision to put him on a more powerful oxygen machine and overnight we hopped for improvement. It was a rough night and he was very unsettled. But with this machine he gets a personalised nurse taking up residence in our room. She was amazing. She was calm and helpful and explained. And I pray she is on tonight. I felt that Little Jay was truly safe in her hands. I trust her to take care of him and me. 

But much to our disappointment, this morning we woke to an even sicker Little Jay. His breathing was slipping further and further down hill and with every breathe he was struggling. Here I am standing on the sidelines while the doctors and nurses do their thing wondering how could this be happening to my baby. Thank god the nurses are so on the ball, they rushed to get the doctors and he was immediately given some adrenaline through a nebuliser. Within minutes he breathing had settled and he went off to sleep for a bit. Finally as the day has progressed he has continued to improved. They have been able to turn down the oxygen to normal levels, while still maintaining a high pressure. Little Jay is also having some nice feeds, but not to large because that places extra pressure on his lungs. He is now for the first time in 24 hours reasonably comfortable and sleeping peacefully. 

Sleeping Peacefully

So much has been going through my head in the last 48 hours. I'm really struggling with the what if! What if I didn't call the ambulance? What if I hadn't gone in to him when he coughed? Because let's face it, lack of oxygen and turning blue in an infant is bloody dangerous! So I'm sitting here feeling like a crap mum, because I kept saying to DaddaG it was just a virus and all the other times the doctors have told us there is nothing they can do. Now deep deep down, I know we would have gotten help. But it could have been too late. The guilt of a mother runs deep, even when things turn out ok. I also think this experience has shown me how strong I really am, especially after what I have gone through mentally over the last few months. I have become Little Jays voice and advocate. I am the one making sure that he is getting the best care he deserves. And truthfully I have no doubt he is getting. Now I know that I constantly have bad things to say about this place, but this week. I can't fault anyone. I am eternally grateful that they are doing everything possible to help Little Jay.

Little Jay with his teddy from Poppy

So for now, I'm sitting in a crappy fold out bed next to Little Jay's cot listening to him sleep peacefully and missing DaddaG and Bug Man so much my heart hurts. I can't help but wonder how I would have coped without DaddaG by my side. He truly is my rock and one of the few people in my life that I can rely whole heartedly on. Everyday he amazes me. He has been at home this whole time taking care of a sick Bug Man. Taking care of the house. Doing everything in his power to make sure I don't worry about anything other than Little Jay. Nor could I get through this without my parents. Wow, they are amazing!! DaddaG, Bug Man, Little Jay and myself are so incredibly lucky to have them. They really do go above and beyond that of what parents should do! 

I just hope our stay isn't much longer, because one thing DaddaG and I both know is that Bug Man and Little Jay have an unbelievable bond and are missing each other so much and we really want to reunite our little family. 

And for anyone out there that reads this please if you haven't had a flu vaccination yet PLEASE, I plead with you please get one! These viruses are so contagious!!! 

Forever in our hearts

Reginald "Roy" Godfrey

2 December 1930 to 13 July 2012

I'm sitting here tonight feeling so many emotions. Tomorrow is Anzac Day and for as long as I can remember it has been my Pa's day. But this year marks the first year that he won't be here with us. This is the first time since he passed away that I am really noticing that he isn't here. That he is really gone. It might seem crazy that it has taken 9 months for the reality to sink in. Especially considering that during those 9 months I gave birth to Little Jay, we had our first Christmas and Easter without him and his birthday. But tomorrow is such a special day, that has always meant more to our family than just a public holiday. From as young as I can remember, I was told stories about my Pa's services overseas. About the crazy things he did. About the type of father he was. About the type of husband he was. He was an amazing man and my hero. His stories will live on in us and I can't wait for the day that Bug Man and Little Jay understand the true meaning of tomorrow. Of the sacrifices that people like my Pa made for our country and that are still making today.

Tomorrow he won't be here in body, but he will be here in spirit. I can't imagine the overwhelming emotion and pride that I am going to feel tomorrow when I watch my dad march wearing my Pa's medals and I'm excited about taking Bug Man and Little Jay along for their first Anzac Day experience. I have no doubt Bug Man will be brimming with excitement watching his Poppa and DaddaG marching. For me I will watch them march with pride and remembering such a loved member of our family that is no longer with us. I have no doubt that my Pa would be so proud of my dad and DaddaG standing strong and ensuring that Bug Man and Little Jay never forget him and the sacrifices he made for our country.

You may have gone Old Man, but your spirit and legacy will live on in us.

LEST WE FORGET

Suffering in silence.....

So my post this morning had me thinking on the drive home after surving the baby shower. Post natal depression. What a label. What a stigma. I never thought it would happen to me. Oh how I struggled to accept that I need help. Especially because little jay is my second child. Shouldn't it be easier to cope. Shouldn't everything just fall into place. Rather than feeling like I was drowning and going to break in an instant. If I have learnt anything over the last few months it's amazing the amount of mothers that suffer in silence, alone & feeling unsupported by other mothers. I am lucky to have a few people close to me that support me and are just there for me. But then there are days like today when I'm so far outside my comfort zone I can't think and the anxiety takes over. I'm sure these other women thought I was just rude. But the reality is, just being there feels like a massive achievement. An achievement in fight against this demon that takes over my mind & attempts to control my thoughts.

I suffered alone and in silence for 3 months. My wonderful husband couldn't understand what was happening to his wife. My mother couldn't understand what was happening to her daughter. My children witnessed a side of their mother than no child should ever have too. I will admit I yelled at my infant. At my toddler. At myself. There were days when getting out of bed and pretending to function where my greatest achievement. I was failing my children, my husband, my family and most of all myself. You see I'm a perfectionist and anything less is unacceptable. So when you have a child that doesn't sleep and constantly screams. Where doctors can't tell you what's wrong. When you are so exhausted and riddled with sleep deprivation that your body physically aches. You see that perfection slipping away. You pretend to smile and hope that those feelings of lack of self worth go away, but sometimes, just sometimes you need to hit rock bottom and accept that you aren't perfect and that you need help. That acceptance of help has to come from inside you. You need to see that things aren't ok, but that it is ok to need help.

I stil vividly remember my rock bottom moment. It was a Saturday and as normal DaddaG was at work. I was living my worst nightmare. I was at home with both boys. Riddled with fear and unable to cope. Those constant times of crying when I'm alone had become to much. I would sit on the couch with the boys and just cry. I didn't know how else to cope. I feared for my safety. Never my boys safety. I would never do anything to them. But I needed to escape. I didn't care how. I never actually did anything, but those thoughts of blame and needing to escape where always at the from of my mind. I woke feeling that way and went to bed feeling that way. I couldn't escape my own thoughts. They were consuming my life.

Now this particular Saturday, DaddaG & I were talking via messages and I can't remember what started it but I let it all out. I told him I couldn't cope, I needed to escape, that I constantly cried and lived in my own world of failure and fear. After that moment, after that rock bottom moment a wave of relief came over me. I couldn't believe I had been hiding these feelings from him. I had broken our team. I was braking our family. That next week I took myself of to the doctor and started to get the help I needed, but I still live in the solitude of my family. I live with the stigma. I am a sufferer. I admit I need help. 

Did you know 1 in 7 or 10% of all mothers suffer from post natal depression and that doesn't take into account the mothers that don't get help. How can we have statistics that like that, but yet we make it so unacceptable for a mother to admit that sometimes they just need a bit of help. That there is nothing they have done, that they have not failed but just need support to get through that tough entry into motherhood. We as women and mothers should stand up and fight the stigma and fight against the silence we live in. Because I would hate for someones wife, sister, daughter and friend to experience what I did and be to afraid of the stigma that they lose a silent battle against an illness that is treatable. 

For all those mothers that read this that think they might just need help, I plead with you please talk to your partner, a friend, a family, your doctor or contact Beyond Blue or PANDA. There are people to help and you are never alone!

http://www.panda.org.au 

http://www.beyondblue.org.au 

How will I cope????

Every since Little Jay was born I have really struggled with anxiety and PND, to the point I have basically withdrawn from all aspects of my social life. There are very few places I am actually comfortable going and very few people I am actually comfortable around. But today is a test. Today I have a very close friends baby shower. But this morning the anxiety as started to kick in. Now this doesn't feel like that little oh there will be lots of new people there I won't know. This is gut wrenching, nausea causing anxiety to the point I want to stay home. I feel safe at home. All my thoughts are safe and at home there is no one to judge but myself. I have lots of moments where I feel crazy, but this has come from no where. It's not like I haven't been preparing myself for weeks. I've organised Bug Man to go to my parents until DaddaG finishes work, so that I can relax and enjoy myself wihtout having to worry about toddler meltdowns. But I will still be going with Little Jay in toe. But that's where the anxiety really begins. 

See Little Jay has been really sick all week, to the point we took him off to Emergency. So now in the back of my mind is "oh my god" what if he starts his horror movie vomiting again... He hasn't actually really vomitted that bad in over 24 hours. 

Then there are the questions. What sort of baby is Little Jay??? Do people really want to hear the truth?? He is a hard baby. I have had months of little sleep and a whole lot of crying. Months of figuring out formulas. We have had surgery that killed all the hard work we had done out. And then don't even get me started on the never ending ear issues and the lack of treatment he has received from the local Public Hospital.... That in its self is a whole other blog! It's a baby shower... someone is sure to ask.... what do I say?? Do I lie??? Hmmmm..... I have no idea what the right response is????

Then the anxiety about myself kicks in.... I feel fat! I feel like everything I own makes me look fat! I don't feel comfortable in my body. I had 2 babies in under 2 years, it takes it's toll but is it really an accuse for 6 months post Little Jay still looking this way??? Am I just full of excuses not to exercise or do I just really not have time???

Then there is the thing I now fear most.... I hate making small talk with people that I don't know. I feel uncomfortable and self-conscious around people I don't know. Especially when I feel like I have nothing to add to conversations. What do I have to talk about... my boys??? Do people really want to just hear about them??? They are my life and I am SO proud of them, but not everyone wants to hear about them!! I have very few friends post Bug Man and Little Jay. DaddaG and my mum are the only people I really talk to on a regular basis. On one hand I feel sad and pathetic that that's what my life has become but on the other hand I can't imagine my life with out Bug Man and Little Jay!

All these thoughts are plaguing my mind. I can't help it. I feel crazy. The fear is so overwhelming I just want to stay home... I mentally know I can't do that. I want to be there to celebrate the impending birth of my friends baby. Plus I spent an hour last night preparing the hamper with all the little things I brought for her. 

So for now I sit here in the quiet while both boys nap *yay* and ponder the afternoon ahead...... I want to wish my beautiful friend a very happy baby shower and I can't wait to meet your new bundle of joy. You will be an amazing mumma xxx 

A Good Old Dose of Mummy Guilt!!

So on the weekend a lovely mummy in my Mums Group (don't knock it!) posted this article about mummy guilt:

http://blogs.kidspot.com.au/villagevoices/5-ways-to-beat-mother-guilt/

This actually really resonates with me today. I'm at home and not at work. Little Jay has a horrible stomach bug and has had it pretty much all weekend, but got worse last night. I'm actually pretty torn these days between staying home with my sick little men and going to work. See when I'm not being a mumma, I'm an accountant. I'm actually a pretty good one... not to toot my own horn. I've been doing it since I left school and was one of those nerdy people that gave up their slacker uni days to work and study. It was a bloody hard slog and it took me 6 years to get my degree and then another 2 to get those sacred 2 letters (CA) to make me actually qualified at what I had been doing for years. In my pre-kiddie days, I was a dedicated hard worker that put all my time and energy into my job and of course my study. Don't get me wrong, I had a pretty great social life but during work hours my mind was always on the job. 

Then I meet DaddaG and my priorities changed. In my last year of study, I feel in love and while preparing for my last ever exam, we planned our wedding. It was pretty stressful, but DaddaG helped me through it. Not long after the wedding we found out we were expecting Bug Man and suddenly work didn't really seem like the most important thing anymore. I worked through my whole pregnancy and finished 2 weeks before my due date (I was optimistic that he would arrive early, but no he arrived the day after his due date!). I took the 5 months paid parental leave and went back to work. We had a pretty amazing set up, so that Bug Man was only in care 1 day out of the 4 days I worked. He got 2 fun filled days with DaddaG and a day with his nanna and poppa. Part of me was glad to be back at work and to find my identity again. But part of me mourned missing that time with Bug Man.

Then, not long after being back at work we found out we were expecting Little Jay. He was a planned surprise and once again I worked right until the very end. Trying to dedicate myself as much as possible to my job, which I had only started 6 months earlier. While at the same time trying to give Bug Man as much dedicated mummy time as possible. It was hard work and I spent my whole pregnancy exhausted. It was totally worth it and when Little Jay arrived, I feel in love all over again. However, this time was different. The thought of returning to work daunted me from day one. How was I going to cope and even more so I knew that when my 5 months was up I wouldn't be ready to go back to work. Not only was I leaving 1 baby, this time I was leaving 2. We still have the same amazing set up, with an added bonus that I now even put in hours from home. 

But the problem is I'm not ready to be at work, I'm there because I have to be (sadly the mortgage and bills don't go away and Centrelink aren't generous to us!). I'm torn and no longer seem to have the motivation and drive that I had pre-kiddies. I spend my days at work wanting to be at home with my boys and then when I am home, especially on days like today I can't help but think I let my team down. It's a never ending cycle where I always feel pulled and like I can never give 100% to anything. I feel like some days I wish I could throw the towel in and be a SHAM, but I also know that I have worked bloody hard to get where I am in my job and it is now part of who I am, so letting it go isn't as easy as it sounds. Now I'm sure you have all read 100's of blogs about Mumma Guilt (to anyone that is actually reading this!) and no doubt all stories are the same.

But coming back to this article, I can't help but massively disagree that "feeling guilty is a choice"! I don't think I choose to feel this way. I think as mothers the natural desire to be with our children and then having to be separated is what causes the guilt. I feel constant guilt that I'm not being a good enough mother, wife, employee and friend but the reality is we get spread so thin that it is impossible to not feel guilty about not doing one of those things right. Maybe I'm wrong. I have know to be overtime and I will admit that.... although please don't tell DaddaG, he will use it against me...., but for me that guilt seems to have been ingrained in me since becoming a mother.

One thing I do LOVE about this article is the last point "Would you judge another mother for doing what you do?" Hell no! I would give her a god damn medal! Not only do I help raise 2 little boys, with 1 being a heart beat away from the terrible 2's but the other with a list of health issues that never gets any shorter. I also cook, clean, do washing, do the food shopping, balance the cheque book, go to work, work from home.... and the list really just goes on! No wonder I am always tired. No wonder I feel so spread out. No wonder I have massive mumma guilt because I never really see all that I do. I only see what I don't do!!! 

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions.....

So this isn't the blog post I sat down to write today. This is about something that has been popping up on my Facebook for the last few weeks. It is the changes to the Tasmanian Abortion Laws. Now, I'm not naive or ignorant to think that everyone has differing opinions about abortion. In particular at the moment it is about how long you should have to make a choice. But one thing I do think is forgotten during the arguments for and against is that we should respect every women's right to decide, when the time is right for them. Yes, babies have rights and needs advocates. But sometimes I feel that those rights overshadow the rights of the mother, who lets face the facts gives up her body for 10 months to grow the tiny little person. I'm not down with the nitty gritty of the new legislation and I'm sure you can all hit google and find it. But as a woman and mother who has been offered abortion, this is my side to the argument.

After we had Bug Man, we discovered that he and DaddaG have Van Der Woude Syndrome or Pit Lip Syndrome. We didn't know anything about what this was until we took Bug Man to his 4 week plastic surgery check up for his cleft lip, where the surgeon discovered little pits in his lower lip. The surgeon was amazing and gave us a basic run down of the syndrome and sent us on our way. At this stage we were thinking Bug Man would be our only child and then he had his repair. It was amazing. It changed our outlook on if to have another child or not. 

We spoke to the surgeon about our concerns after doing A LOT of research and reading and he continually reassured us that if it happened again it was fixable. We had seen his work first hand and knew what an amazing job he could do. But to give us a bit more information he sent us along to a geneticist, who could map DaddaG's family history and give us some more information and insight into our options. It was a pretty quick appointment and we were once again reassured that the odds were 50/50 and having already had a child with the syndrome didn't increase our chances of another. We were given options to prevent the syndrome being passed on. 

The first was genetic testing via IVF. Basically you go through the whole IVF process, but before putting the fertilised embryo back inside they screen it for the syndrome. This all sounded great until we found out we would have to have it done in Melbourne and it was EXPENSIVE! There goes option one out the window. 

Our second option. Take a chance. Flip the coin. Have an amieo screening at 12 weeks to see if the syndrome was present and then if it was at the 20 week scan see exactly what was wrong. Then if it appeared at the 20 scan, ABORT! Well naturally this wasn't on the cards, although don't get me wrong I did contemplate it for a split second, especially when that desire for a 2nd child became so overwhelming. But the reality was I could never have gone through with it. 

The one thing I did take away from this was that we were given options and choices to decide what was right for us, or family and most of all our child. Shouldn't everyone have those choices, even if you don't agree with the reasoning....

And as any of you that have read my first post would know, we took the chance and flipped the coin and Little Jay was born with the same syndrome. I look back now at the options and things we were told and my reality is that I believe he was sent to us because we could give him the best life possible no matter what obstacles are in his way. 

Could I have ever aborted him, not in a million years but maybe some other mother and woman might need to for a million reasons. Is she right to do it? Maybe. But should she have the choice? YES!!!

A New Chapter

So, I'm new to blog writting. Actually I'm new to any form of writting that isn't a long winded boring eassy. I've never written anything remotely funny or exciting in my whole life. But I figured you are never to old to start something new! 

I'm Mumma G and one of those crazy woman that has 2 little kiddies under 2, let alone 2 little boys under 2. But they are amazing little boys. The oldest is Bug Man and I can't actually believe that in just 23 days he will be 2. The years are speeding by, but I love watching him grow and becoming the smart and confident person that he is. Bug Man is the most awesome big brother to Little Jay. Little Jay is almost 6 months old and is what I like to think of as my challenge baby. Because some days if I could turn back the clock I'd tell Dr Frank to put him back and leave him there. But he is my baby and when I see his cheeky little smile my heart melts and I'm so glad he picked me to be his mumma.

Then there is my husband, DaddaG. He stole my heart in a whirlwind romance that saw us married in 364 days. From that first day I knew he was the man for me. 95% of the time I can't imagine life without him and then there is that other 5% when he leaves his dirty washing on the floor or doesn't put the rubbish out and I want to kill him. But he is my rock and my best friend, so I forgive (or will eventually) the socks on the floor.

Both of our beautiful boys where born with clefts. Bug Man was born with a unilateral cleft lip, while Little Jay had a unilateral cleft lip and palate. In the first 12 months these boys endure more than I could ever imagine and we currently await the Little Jays palate repair in a few months. Little Jay has a few other minor medical issues, but this next surgery will be our biggest challenge to date. 

& about me. Well I don't really know who I am aside from being a mumma, a wife and sadly a Facebook addict. I think once I became a mumma the rest just slowly slipped away. I struggle to find the balance between work, being a wife and being the mumma my boys deserve. I'm a perfectionist and anything less feels like a failure. But I'm hoping this blog will help me find me again and regain the passion for things that I used to have. Or at least give me something else to do other than spending way to much time on Facebook. I might even surprise myself and pick up and finish a book. Before sleep deprevation kicked in, I was an avid reader and I really do miss it.


Well I best be signing off for the night, tomorrow begins the working week. I used to love my job but now... well now that is an idea for another blog.

Night night