Taking A Break..... Facebook OVERLOAD!!!!!

Today marks a week since I have entered the world of Facebook. That is 7 whole days..... WOW!!! I can't remember the last time or if I have ever gone multiple days without Facebook since having the boys..... & to think that is 2 and half years ago! Although, I'm pretty confident my addiction kicked in long before then! I now sit and thing wow how did that happen? God when had it got to the point of addiction? I didn't even intend for my break to be this long. Last Sunday morning, I decided to take a self-enforced break for the day and over the last week it has just been a case of i'll log in tomorrow. But tomorrow never seemed to come and now I can't seem to make the plunge back into it. Maybe the fear of it taking over so much of my life again is what is stopping me. So let me take it back a step to last Sunday.

So last Sunday morning when I got up and pledged that I would go all day and not log on. I spent the day outside gardening (well catching up on 6 months of weeding) with the boys. Enjoying the much longed after sun. It was a great day!!! That night, I sat and realised that I had not had one attention seeking tantrum from Bug Man all day.... What a wake up call!!!! My gorgeous 2 and half year old was competing for my attention with social media. It was then I realised how much it consumed my life. I could no longer even take my phone to bed, because chances were if Little Jay woke me I would have to check it. Which would result in me losing hours of precious much needed sleep. 

Now don't get me wrong, social media and in particular Facebook are amazing. As a mum to young boys Facebook has been a blessing and there is no way I could have possibly survived the last year without it. Via Facebook I have reconnected and managed to stay connected with old friends and made amazing new friends. Facebook is my support network. But at the same time I've lost touch with real friendships.... Well friends I physically can see. In this last week, i've realised my non-Facebook social life is non-existent! When I think about it, it actually feels pretty pathetic!

Social media plays such a huge part in our lives. But all to much lately, the media is filled with the negative impacts. There is this new society filled with keyboard heroes. I'm not delusional to know that by the time Bug Man and Little Jay are old enough to embrace social media and in-particular Facebook, they will experience a world of bullying we have never known and it scares the crap out of me. As a victim of bullying, I want to keep them safe from this world as long as I can. Back when I was bullied it was kept to the school yard, but now you can have a keyboard hero you have have never meet who lives on the other side of world voicing their opinion on you too. All to often we hear stories of young lives cut to short by bullying, which has been amplified and instigated on Facebook. I want to keep my boys from that as long as I can. I want to protect them and be a better mother. I want to find a better balance. Be present when I am present. I can easily say after the last 7 days that I no longer feel stubby and negative. Not being on Facebook, means that I no longer feel compiled to constantly voice my opinions and then fight for them when they are judged.

I can easily say that these last 7 days and staying away have been bloody hard. I mentally write status updates in my head. I miss my gorgeous friend and the daily support that she provides. I miss the fun that Facebook can provides. So my new goal for the weeks ahead is finding the balance. No longer losing hours of time browsing. No longer checking and then re-checking 5 mins later. And most importantly I no longer want to access it when I'm with Bug Man and Little Jay. Those gorgeous boys require my utmost attention. Every day they grow up and change and I don't want to miss a minute more than I have too!

So, hopefully I am cured of my addiction and now I am going to take the challenge and find the balance and most of all not go back to the way I was!!!! 

12 months or 365 days.... 1 Already!!!!

It has been a few months since i've done a post, but I thought it was time to get back to it and celebrate Little Jay's first birthday! I'm a week late, but meh. Better late than never. Wow, what a bloody year! I can't believe that we all survived it. I can't say we have come out unscathed, but that is for another post.

It's hard to believe that in just 12 short months or 365 days he went from this:

 A few hours old & MummaG still recovering

1 Day old - Mummy just couldn't stop starring.

Little Jay - Born: 3210 grams & 49 cms long. So tiny and so cute.

To this:

You are cheeky and cute and do everything at your own plan and pace. You continue to amaze me at how strong and determined you are. For such a little person, you know what you want. You have been through more than I could have ever imagined when they placed you into my arms that first time. But somehow no matter how tired or sick you are, you always have that infectious smile and laugh that makes everything we have been through seem irrelevant.



You are loving and give the best cuddles and the most loveable sloppy kisses. I am forever grateful that you are a part of our family. You are the perfect little brother for Bug Man. You give him a run for his money and I already dread the battles between you both. Two independent little boys that make each other laugh and smile. That rough and tumble. That are always looking for the other, when one isn't around. For a long time, Bug Man was the only person that could make you smile and we still have days were that is the case. Moments like this make everything from the last year worth everything

I am thankful for the strength that you have shown that I have. That the fighter you have made me become, to battle for my little warrior. You, Little Jay have come so far over the last year and I can not wait to see how far you come in the next year. No doubt it will be full of as many highs and lows as this year. I can't wait to see you walk and talk and run.... life will take on an all new speed and challenge but I know when you make those milestones they will be hard earned.



Your birthday was a pretty low affair, but your Nanna and Poppy where here celebrating with us. I made you a cake, but after all the excitement from opening all your presents you crashed and we didn't get to see you blow out your candle or cut you cake. But it was the perfect celebration for the milestone that came at the speed of light.

HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY LITTLE JAY

Celebrating 2 years of Bug Man

What a day! Today we have spent the day at home celebrating Bug Man's 2nd Birthday. I can't beleive it has been 2 years since he was placed in my arms. 2 years since my heart melted. 2 years since you were so tiny and fragile. 2 years since I stared in awe at this tiny little person that DaddaG & I had created. 2 year's since our life was changed for the most amazing reason. 2 years doesn't sound long.  But it is 731 days or 17545 hours and even that doesn't sound like long. But at the same time I can't believe how fast it has flow by. I fear how fast the years will continue to fly by, as you continue to grow.

Bug Man at 1 day old - 3750 grams & 49 cms long. So tiny, so heart meltingly cute.






2 year's ago I never really envisioned the little person you would become. But you are compassionate and loving. Your laugh makes my heart melt. Your smile and your eyes wrap me around your little finger. You have never really been a baby, but rather you have always been a little person waiting to take the world by storm. I have no doubt you will do amazing things with your life. I am your mummy and I love teaching you about the world. But there is so much you have taught me. You made us a family. You gave me a new perspective in life. You stole a part of my heart that I never knew that existed. Every day you amaze me and I love watching you grow and learn. 

 

 



You are inquisitive and helpful. You are a stubborn little man that knows what he wants. You remind me so much of your daddy. You both have a bond that I will never understand, nor try to brake. He is the daddy that bakes your birthday cake and makes sure we celebrated, even with everything else going on with Little Jay just so you would have your special day.




Last year when you still needed me so much, we gave you the greatest challenge. We made you a big brother. You have taken it all in your stride. You are already Little Jay's ideal. You are the one person that can always make him laugh and smile. You love to give him cuddles and I mentally capture those moments of the 2 of you so little, so loving, so forever in my heart. This last week when he was in hospital and away from you, you missed him and he missed you. 

 

Brotherly love that makes my heart melt!! 

That was the first time you and I had ever been apart. Spending time away from you made me realise how quickly you are growning and changing and that the little baby in you has slipped away and been replaced by a little boy. One day, you will be an amazing man. Your daddy will guide you to ensure that you always put the right foot forward. I have no doubt you will make mistakes as we will as parents but it is our goal to make sure you make the best out of your life and so far I think we are doing a pretty good job. 




I love you Bug Man with every beat of my heart, with every breath I take. I have loved watching you learn and grow over the last year and can't wait to see you do the same over the next.

   

Happy 2nd Birthday Bug Man

My Test Of Strength

There is no better feeling in the world than the feeling of your babies giving you a cuddle. For the first time since Sunday, I was able to give Little Jay a proper cuddle. A kiss. Show him how much I love him. How much this week has scared me and made me blessed that he is still a part of our life. Today was the first day I had seen Bug Man since Monday. It is the first time I have ever been away from him for so long. Even when I had Little Jay, I still saw Bug Man every day. But today, today the baby in him seemed gone. Today he was all little boy. Today he seemed taller. Saying more words. Being so cheeky. Being the amazing little boy that I love and have missed so much that my heart hurts. How could such a week make such a difference to a little boy. It made me realise I never want to spend that long away from him again. The time is going to fast. He is growing too quick. My first born is no longer a baby, but a inquisitive, cheeky almost 2 year old. 

Having Little Jay so sick has changed me so much. How can a week much such a difference. It has changed my focus. It has changed my life goals. It truly changed my understanding of what it is most important in my life. My husband. My babies. My parents. My small family that I have created. They are the most important part of my life. Everything else has a place, but not the place that they hold. They take up the biggest part of my heart. The biggest part of my life. The biggest part of who I am. I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a daughter. I am me. But without all the other parts of who I am. I am no one. 

The last 6 days have been the scariest days of my life. I have never known the fear that comes with having such a sick child. Now, I completely understand that there are children in the world so much worse than Little Jay. But in my bubble and my world, my Little Jay has been very sick. At day 5 he was still requiring oxygen pressure and every attempt they have had to wean him off it, resulted in them needing to increase it. Little Jay was also battling a tempretuare, so they have been watching closely for a secondary infection. Luckily at this stage it just all seemed to be related to the virus. But no one likes to see their baby spike a temperature and have the heart rate go above 215. But tonight it has come right down. 

This morning we woke and wow what an improvement. He was finally stable for the first time since we arrived. No backwards steps. The decision was made to wean off the oxygen pressure. Wow, what an emotional day. I've never watched the chest of a little person with so much interest in my life. With every breathe, was Little Jay struggling? Was the struggle his little body just recovering? I'm positive the doctors and nurses are sick of me today. Today is the day, I feel like i've really been on edge. So much waiting has happened over the last week. So much energy. So many emotions. So many times of sitting here feeling useless and praying that our tiny Little Jay would start to get better. Tonight he is sleeping peacefully. Tonight he is without any oxygen assistance. Tonight I sit here and hope that this means we are on the home stretch and his body is now resting after doing all the fighting it needed to to get rid of the virus that has ravaged him.

I sit here in the dark listening to Little Jay and reflect on how I have coped this week. How I have amazed myself at how strong I have stayed during this entire time. How I have been his advocate. His voice. His comfort. I sit and reflect on the change in myself. How a month ago, I could have never handled this situation. Of how far I have come. How far I still have to go before I am fully recovered. I sit and reflect how at each step forward towards recovery, he took 2 steps back and I managed to maintain the strength he needed from me to know that everything would be ok. Today is the first day he has really remained stable all day, but it has been hard to grasp that there really isn't much they could do other than keep him comfortable. It is amazing how strong something like this makes you. You are not only their mother, you are their advocate. You are their voice. I have become Little Jay's voice. I ensured that I was voice he needed me to be to make sure that the level of care he has been receiving is the best. 

The experience has made me realise that our medical system is a shambles but the doctors and nurses do an amazing effort with the resources available. It has opened my eyes to the fact there are medical staff that really care and there are medical staff that are just here to do a job. They don't have the same compassion. The same empathy. The heart and reassurance needed when you have a sick child. They speak at you, not to you. Like you should understand. But all I have wanted is comfort and reassurance that he would improve, that he is improving, that they really are doing everything they can for him. I feel blessed to have been surrounded by doctors and nurses that have done that. They have really created big shoes to fill on our return for Little Jay's next surgery.

Deep down, I don't feel like I will ever recover from those moments on Sunday. The what if moments, that even though I know Little Jay is ok, still sneak into my mind. Into my heart. Into my soul. They make me question the type of mother I am. Am I attentive enough. Do I show love enough. Do I give enough kisses. Do I give enough cuddles. I even questioned with my mum, do I even deserve to be celebrated for Mothers Day. So many doubts. So many second guesses. So little faith in myself. Maybe one day all those fears will leave, but for now they are part of who I am. They keep me on my toes. 

Now, while I have been camped out in Little Jay's hopsital room. DaddaG has been holding down the home front with Bug Man. What a man! He really is the best. With both of us busy taking care of one of our precious boys each, our comunication is limited to quick phone calls and lots of text messages and photos. It is funny how one person at times can drive you so unbelievably crazy at times. But at the same time when you are separated, it makes you realise how important they really are. How much you really do love them. How much of a part of you they are. Sometimes it is nice to be reminded and to remind ourselves of the important people in our lives. To be reminded of those people that we can really rely on. DaddaG, I couldn't have survived this without you. I should make another extra special mention to my amazing parents. You are a huge part of our little family and never forget how important you are to us. 

So for now I look forward to another visit from Bug Man and DaddaG tomorrow. I look forward to the prospect of going home. I look forward to our family once again being one. It is the longest our family has ever been a part and our family feels broken and fractured. I sit and look forward to when we can take Little Jay home. I look forward to Little Jay continuing to improve and hope that that day is soon.

Not The Sunday We Had Planned!!

Wow! What a week it has been! I am currently taking a break from Little Jay's hospital bedside to get some air and have a much needed coffee. Sadly this visit isn't his much anticipated palate repair. 

See our little house has been surrounded with germs for the last month or more. Little Jay has been battling chronic ear infections thanks to the lack of post op care he received after they put some grommets in to help with his hearing. But on top of that he has also battled a case of severe gastro that resulted in a visit to emergency to check for dehrdation after he wasn't able to keep anything down. At the same time Bug Man has been battling broncolitlis. Now this is where it all goes massively down hill! 

Little Jay decided that he couldn't miss out on having the god awful cough that his brother had and on Saturday he started coughing like a mad man. Naturally, I didn't think much of it. I guessed straight away what it was and just kept an eye on his tempretaure and his feeding, which were all normal. Sunday morning we get up and are having a lazy start to the day now that the weather has started to turn. DaddaG had just cooked me and Bug Man an awesome breakfast and while we sat and ate as a family Little Jay munched on some toast. It was such a normal start to the morning. I cleaned up and put Little Jay down for his morning sleep. Not long after Bug Man went down for his. DaddaG was sitting down to play some playstation and I was just about to fold my massive pile of nappies that I had been neglecting for days when I hear Little Jay cough. I got up to check him and I thank god every day I did, because he was every mothers worst nightmare. Little Jay had started to turn blue from his coughing fit. I picked him up and rushed him out to DaddaG. We were trying to decide if to take him to the after hours doctor or brave another visit to emergecny after being sent home the week before. On a whim, I decided to ring my mum. I explained what had happened and she screamed at me to call an ambulance. 

Naturally I was pretty calm at that point and couldn't phalam that my baby needed an ambulance. I rang the ambulance and it was there in minutes.... we live close to a station. The paramedic took one look at Little Jay and said "he had earned him self a ride to hospital". I've never been in an ambulance in my 30 years, the last thing I ever expected to have happen was having to take my 6 month old in one. The ride to hospital seemed like it took forever! We arrived and luckily my mum had just arrived as we pulled up. DaddaG was still at home with a sleeping Bug Man. On arrival this is where the nightmare really began. We were rushed into the room and Little Jay was laid on the table. Never in my life will I forget as they gave him oxygen and medication because he was having so much trouble breathing on his own. They put in a IV and started giving fluids. He was dehydrated and I didn't even know it! I can't fault the emergency staff. For the 1st time ever, I was so impressed with the level of care he was receiving that I knew calling the ambulance was the right thing to do. They did blood tests, swabs, xrays and the list went on. In the early afternoon we were taken to the ward and locked down in isolation. Little Jay was struggling to breathe, but still pretty happy and feeding like normal. The day went so fast in a blur and we both crashed early and had a pretty good night. For the first night in a few days he only woke once. 

Little Jay yesterday morning

We awoke yesterday morning and aside from the chrionic wheezy and cough he was pretty happy and still feeding. And then by 11am he just slipped downhill. It became harder and harder for him to breathe. He was having coughing episodes that lasted up to 5 minutes and he couldn't catch his breath. He stopped feeding well. I started to get worried and kept buzzing the nurses. Eventually the afternoon doctor had a look and she saw how hard his tiny little body was working to breathe. With every breath, you could see his chest contract. I have never felt so useless. Watching my baby struggle in so much pain and not being able to do anything to comfort him. He couldn't even be picked up because it would set off a coughing fit. Not to mention all the wires and machines he is hooked up too. That afternoon doctor decided to check Little Jays swabs and blood results. They still hadn't completely ruled out whooping cough. Now the first mention of that and my mind is going wild! But luckily the swabs were negative and the bloods confirmed a case of RSV (Respiratory Syncytial Virus) which when bad enough causes the bronchiolitis. Late last night with a confirmed diagnosis, the amazing doctor made the decision to put him on a more powerful oxygen machine and overnight we hopped for improvement. It was a rough night and he was very unsettled. But with this machine he gets a personalised nurse taking up residence in our room. She was amazing. She was calm and helpful and explained. And I pray she is on tonight. I felt that Little Jay was truly safe in her hands. I trust her to take care of him and me. 

But much to our disappointment, this morning we woke to an even sicker Little Jay. His breathing was slipping further and further down hill and with every breathe he was struggling. Here I am standing on the sidelines while the doctors and nurses do their thing wondering how could this be happening to my baby. Thank god the nurses are so on the ball, they rushed to get the doctors and he was immediately given some adrenaline through a nebuliser. Within minutes he breathing had settled and he went off to sleep for a bit. Finally as the day has progressed he has continued to improved. They have been able to turn down the oxygen to normal levels, while still maintaining a high pressure. Little Jay is also having some nice feeds, but not to large because that places extra pressure on his lungs. He is now for the first time in 24 hours reasonably comfortable and sleeping peacefully. 

Sleeping Peacefully

So much has been going through my head in the last 48 hours. I'm really struggling with the what if! What if I didn't call the ambulance? What if I hadn't gone in to him when he coughed? Because let's face it, lack of oxygen and turning blue in an infant is bloody dangerous! So I'm sitting here feeling like a crap mum, because I kept saying to DaddaG it was just a virus and all the other times the doctors have told us there is nothing they can do. Now deep deep down, I know we would have gotten help. But it could have been too late. The guilt of a mother runs deep, even when things turn out ok. I also think this experience has shown me how strong I really am, especially after what I have gone through mentally over the last few months. I have become Little Jays voice and advocate. I am the one making sure that he is getting the best care he deserves. And truthfully I have no doubt he is getting. Now I know that I constantly have bad things to say about this place, but this week. I can't fault anyone. I am eternally grateful that they are doing everything possible to help Little Jay.

Little Jay with his teddy from Poppy

So for now, I'm sitting in a crappy fold out bed next to Little Jay's cot listening to him sleep peacefully and missing DaddaG and Bug Man so much my heart hurts. I can't help but wonder how I would have coped without DaddaG by my side. He truly is my rock and one of the few people in my life that I can rely whole heartedly on. Everyday he amazes me. He has been at home this whole time taking care of a sick Bug Man. Taking care of the house. Doing everything in his power to make sure I don't worry about anything other than Little Jay. Nor could I get through this without my parents. Wow, they are amazing!! DaddaG, Bug Man, Little Jay and myself are so incredibly lucky to have them. They really do go above and beyond that of what parents should do! 

I just hope our stay isn't much longer, because one thing DaddaG and I both know is that Bug Man and Little Jay have an unbelievable bond and are missing each other so much and we really want to reunite our little family. 

And for anyone out there that reads this please if you haven't had a flu vaccination yet PLEASE, I plead with you please get one! These viruses are so contagious!!! 

Forever in our hearts

Reginald "Roy" Godfrey

2 December 1930 to 13 July 2012

I'm sitting here tonight feeling so many emotions. Tomorrow is Anzac Day and for as long as I can remember it has been my Pa's day. But this year marks the first year that he won't be here with us. This is the first time since he passed away that I am really noticing that he isn't here. That he is really gone. It might seem crazy that it has taken 9 months for the reality to sink in. Especially considering that during those 9 months I gave birth to Little Jay, we had our first Christmas and Easter without him and his birthday. But tomorrow is such a special day, that has always meant more to our family than just a public holiday. From as young as I can remember, I was told stories about my Pa's services overseas. About the crazy things he did. About the type of father he was. About the type of husband he was. He was an amazing man and my hero. His stories will live on in us and I can't wait for the day that Bug Man and Little Jay understand the true meaning of tomorrow. Of the sacrifices that people like my Pa made for our country and that are still making today.

Tomorrow he won't be here in body, but he will be here in spirit. I can't imagine the overwhelming emotion and pride that I am going to feel tomorrow when I watch my dad march wearing my Pa's medals and I'm excited about taking Bug Man and Little Jay along for their first Anzac Day experience. I have no doubt Bug Man will be brimming with excitement watching his Poppa and DaddaG marching. For me I will watch them march with pride and remembering such a loved member of our family that is no longer with us. I have no doubt that my Pa would be so proud of my dad and DaddaG standing strong and ensuring that Bug Man and Little Jay never forget him and the sacrifices he made for our country.

You may have gone Old Man, but your spirit and legacy will live on in us.

LEST WE FORGET

Suffering in silence.....

So my post this morning had me thinking on the drive home after surving the baby shower. Post natal depression. What a label. What a stigma. I never thought it would happen to me. Oh how I struggled to accept that I need help. Especially because little jay is my second child. Shouldn't it be easier to cope. Shouldn't everything just fall into place. Rather than feeling like I was drowning and going to break in an instant. If I have learnt anything over the last few months it's amazing the amount of mothers that suffer in silence, alone & feeling unsupported by other mothers. I am lucky to have a few people close to me that support me and are just there for me. But then there are days like today when I'm so far outside my comfort zone I can't think and the anxiety takes over. I'm sure these other women thought I was just rude. But the reality is, just being there feels like a massive achievement. An achievement in fight against this demon that takes over my mind & attempts to control my thoughts.

I suffered alone and in silence for 3 months. My wonderful husband couldn't understand what was happening to his wife. My mother couldn't understand what was happening to her daughter. My children witnessed a side of their mother than no child should ever have too. I will admit I yelled at my infant. At my toddler. At myself. There were days when getting out of bed and pretending to function where my greatest achievement. I was failing my children, my husband, my family and most of all myself. You see I'm a perfectionist and anything less is unacceptable. So when you have a child that doesn't sleep and constantly screams. Where doctors can't tell you what's wrong. When you are so exhausted and riddled with sleep deprivation that your body physically aches. You see that perfection slipping away. You pretend to smile and hope that those feelings of lack of self worth go away, but sometimes, just sometimes you need to hit rock bottom and accept that you aren't perfect and that you need help. That acceptance of help has to come from inside you. You need to see that things aren't ok, but that it is ok to need help.

I stil vividly remember my rock bottom moment. It was a Saturday and as normal DaddaG was at work. I was living my worst nightmare. I was at home with both boys. Riddled with fear and unable to cope. Those constant times of crying when I'm alone had become to much. I would sit on the couch with the boys and just cry. I didn't know how else to cope. I feared for my safety. Never my boys safety. I would never do anything to them. But I needed to escape. I didn't care how. I never actually did anything, but those thoughts of blame and needing to escape where always at the from of my mind. I woke feeling that way and went to bed feeling that way. I couldn't escape my own thoughts. They were consuming my life.

Now this particular Saturday, DaddaG & I were talking via messages and I can't remember what started it but I let it all out. I told him I couldn't cope, I needed to escape, that I constantly cried and lived in my own world of failure and fear. After that moment, after that rock bottom moment a wave of relief came over me. I couldn't believe I had been hiding these feelings from him. I had broken our team. I was braking our family. That next week I took myself of to the doctor and started to get the help I needed, but I still live in the solitude of my family. I live with the stigma. I am a sufferer. I admit I need help. 

Did you know 1 in 7 or 10% of all mothers suffer from post natal depression and that doesn't take into account the mothers that don't get help. How can we have statistics that like that, but yet we make it so unacceptable for a mother to admit that sometimes they just need a bit of help. That there is nothing they have done, that they have not failed but just need support to get through that tough entry into motherhood. We as women and mothers should stand up and fight the stigma and fight against the silence we live in. Because I would hate for someones wife, sister, daughter and friend to experience what I did and be to afraid of the stigma that they lose a silent battle against an illness that is treatable. 

For all those mothers that read this that think they might just need help, I plead with you please talk to your partner, a friend, a family, your doctor or contact Beyond Blue or PANDA. There are people to help and you are never alone!

http://www.panda.org.au 

http://www.beyondblue.org.au 

How will I cope????

Every since Little Jay was born I have really struggled with anxiety and PND, to the point I have basically withdrawn from all aspects of my social life. There are very few places I am actually comfortable going and very few people I am actually comfortable around. But today is a test. Today I have a very close friends baby shower. But this morning the anxiety as started to kick in. Now this doesn't feel like that little oh there will be lots of new people there I won't know. This is gut wrenching, nausea causing anxiety to the point I want to stay home. I feel safe at home. All my thoughts are safe and at home there is no one to judge but myself. I have lots of moments where I feel crazy, but this has come from no where. It's not like I haven't been preparing myself for weeks. I've organised Bug Man to go to my parents until DaddaG finishes work, so that I can relax and enjoy myself wihtout having to worry about toddler meltdowns. But I will still be going with Little Jay in toe. But that's where the anxiety really begins. 

See Little Jay has been really sick all week, to the point we took him off to Emergency. So now in the back of my mind is "oh my god" what if he starts his horror movie vomiting again... He hasn't actually really vomitted that bad in over 24 hours. 

Then there are the questions. What sort of baby is Little Jay??? Do people really want to hear the truth?? He is a hard baby. I have had months of little sleep and a whole lot of crying. Months of figuring out formulas. We have had surgery that killed all the hard work we had done out. And then don't even get me started on the never ending ear issues and the lack of treatment he has received from the local Public Hospital.... That in its self is a whole other blog! It's a baby shower... someone is sure to ask.... what do I say?? Do I lie??? Hmmmm..... I have no idea what the right response is????

Then the anxiety about myself kicks in.... I feel fat! I feel like everything I own makes me look fat! I don't feel comfortable in my body. I had 2 babies in under 2 years, it takes it's toll but is it really an accuse for 6 months post Little Jay still looking this way??? Am I just full of excuses not to exercise or do I just really not have time???

Then there is the thing I now fear most.... I hate making small talk with people that I don't know. I feel uncomfortable and self-conscious around people I don't know. Especially when I feel like I have nothing to add to conversations. What do I have to talk about... my boys??? Do people really want to just hear about them??? They are my life and I am SO proud of them, but not everyone wants to hear about them!! I have very few friends post Bug Man and Little Jay. DaddaG and my mum are the only people I really talk to on a regular basis. On one hand I feel sad and pathetic that that's what my life has become but on the other hand I can't imagine my life with out Bug Man and Little Jay!

All these thoughts are plaguing my mind. I can't help it. I feel crazy. The fear is so overwhelming I just want to stay home... I mentally know I can't do that. I want to be there to celebrate the impending birth of my friends baby. Plus I spent an hour last night preparing the hamper with all the little things I brought for her. 

So for now I sit here in the quiet while both boys nap *yay* and ponder the afternoon ahead...... I want to wish my beautiful friend a very happy baby shower and I can't wait to meet your new bundle of joy. You will be an amazing mumma xxx 

A Good Old Dose of Mummy Guilt!!

So on the weekend a lovely mummy in my Mums Group (don't knock it!) posted this article about mummy guilt:

http://blogs.kidspot.com.au/villagevoices/5-ways-to-beat-mother-guilt/

This actually really resonates with me today. I'm at home and not at work. Little Jay has a horrible stomach bug and has had it pretty much all weekend, but got worse last night. I'm actually pretty torn these days between staying home with my sick little men and going to work. See when I'm not being a mumma, I'm an accountant. I'm actually a pretty good one... not to toot my own horn. I've been doing it since I left school and was one of those nerdy people that gave up their slacker uni days to work and study. It was a bloody hard slog and it took me 6 years to get my degree and then another 2 to get those sacred 2 letters (CA) to make me actually qualified at what I had been doing for years. In my pre-kiddie days, I was a dedicated hard worker that put all my time and energy into my job and of course my study. Don't get me wrong, I had a pretty great social life but during work hours my mind was always on the job. 

Then I meet DaddaG and my priorities changed. In my last year of study, I feel in love and while preparing for my last ever exam, we planned our wedding. It was pretty stressful, but DaddaG helped me through it. Not long after the wedding we found out we were expecting Bug Man and suddenly work didn't really seem like the most important thing anymore. I worked through my whole pregnancy and finished 2 weeks before my due date (I was optimistic that he would arrive early, but no he arrived the day after his due date!). I took the 5 months paid parental leave and went back to work. We had a pretty amazing set up, so that Bug Man was only in care 1 day out of the 4 days I worked. He got 2 fun filled days with DaddaG and a day with his nanna and poppa. Part of me was glad to be back at work and to find my identity again. But part of me mourned missing that time with Bug Man.

Then, not long after being back at work we found out we were expecting Little Jay. He was a planned surprise and once again I worked right until the very end. Trying to dedicate myself as much as possible to my job, which I had only started 6 months earlier. While at the same time trying to give Bug Man as much dedicated mummy time as possible. It was hard work and I spent my whole pregnancy exhausted. It was totally worth it and when Little Jay arrived, I feel in love all over again. However, this time was different. The thought of returning to work daunted me from day one. How was I going to cope and even more so I knew that when my 5 months was up I wouldn't be ready to go back to work. Not only was I leaving 1 baby, this time I was leaving 2. We still have the same amazing set up, with an added bonus that I now even put in hours from home. 

But the problem is I'm not ready to be at work, I'm there because I have to be (sadly the mortgage and bills don't go away and Centrelink aren't generous to us!). I'm torn and no longer seem to have the motivation and drive that I had pre-kiddies. I spend my days at work wanting to be at home with my boys and then when I am home, especially on days like today I can't help but think I let my team down. It's a never ending cycle where I always feel pulled and like I can never give 100% to anything. I feel like some days I wish I could throw the towel in and be a SHAM, but I also know that I have worked bloody hard to get where I am in my job and it is now part of who I am, so letting it go isn't as easy as it sounds. Now I'm sure you have all read 100's of blogs about Mumma Guilt (to anyone that is actually reading this!) and no doubt all stories are the same.

But coming back to this article, I can't help but massively disagree that "feeling guilty is a choice"! I don't think I choose to feel this way. I think as mothers the natural desire to be with our children and then having to be separated is what causes the guilt. I feel constant guilt that I'm not being a good enough mother, wife, employee and friend but the reality is we get spread so thin that it is impossible to not feel guilty about not doing one of those things right. Maybe I'm wrong. I have know to be overtime and I will admit that.... although please don't tell DaddaG, he will use it against me...., but for me that guilt seems to have been ingrained in me since becoming a mother.

One thing I do LOVE about this article is the last point "Would you judge another mother for doing what you do?" Hell no! I would give her a god damn medal! Not only do I help raise 2 little boys, with 1 being a heart beat away from the terrible 2's but the other with a list of health issues that never gets any shorter. I also cook, clean, do washing, do the food shopping, balance the cheque book, go to work, work from home.... and the list really just goes on! No wonder I am always tired. No wonder I feel so spread out. No wonder I have massive mumma guilt because I never really see all that I do. I only see what I don't do!!! 

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions.....

So this isn't the blog post I sat down to write today. This is about something that has been popping up on my Facebook for the last few weeks. It is the changes to the Tasmanian Abortion Laws. Now, I'm not naive or ignorant to think that everyone has differing opinions about abortion. In particular at the moment it is about how long you should have to make a choice. But one thing I do think is forgotten during the arguments for and against is that we should respect every women's right to decide, when the time is right for them. Yes, babies have rights and needs advocates. But sometimes I feel that those rights overshadow the rights of the mother, who lets face the facts gives up her body for 10 months to grow the tiny little person. I'm not down with the nitty gritty of the new legislation and I'm sure you can all hit google and find it. But as a woman and mother who has been offered abortion, this is my side to the argument.

After we had Bug Man, we discovered that he and DaddaG have Van Der Woude Syndrome or Pit Lip Syndrome. We didn't know anything about what this was until we took Bug Man to his 4 week plastic surgery check up for his cleft lip, where the surgeon discovered little pits in his lower lip. The surgeon was amazing and gave us a basic run down of the syndrome and sent us on our way. At this stage we were thinking Bug Man would be our only child and then he had his repair. It was amazing. It changed our outlook on if to have another child or not. 

We spoke to the surgeon about our concerns after doing A LOT of research and reading and he continually reassured us that if it happened again it was fixable. We had seen his work first hand and knew what an amazing job he could do. But to give us a bit more information he sent us along to a geneticist, who could map DaddaG's family history and give us some more information and insight into our options. It was a pretty quick appointment and we were once again reassured that the odds were 50/50 and having already had a child with the syndrome didn't increase our chances of another. We were given options to prevent the syndrome being passed on. 

The first was genetic testing via IVF. Basically you go through the whole IVF process, but before putting the fertilised embryo back inside they screen it for the syndrome. This all sounded great until we found out we would have to have it done in Melbourne and it was EXPENSIVE! There goes option one out the window. 

Our second option. Take a chance. Flip the coin. Have an amieo screening at 12 weeks to see if the syndrome was present and then if it was at the 20 week scan see exactly what was wrong. Then if it appeared at the 20 scan, ABORT! Well naturally this wasn't on the cards, although don't get me wrong I did contemplate it for a split second, especially when that desire for a 2nd child became so overwhelming. But the reality was I could never have gone through with it. 

The one thing I did take away from this was that we were given options and choices to decide what was right for us, or family and most of all our child. Shouldn't everyone have those choices, even if you don't agree with the reasoning....

And as any of you that have read my first post would know, we took the chance and flipped the coin and Little Jay was born with the same syndrome. I look back now at the options and things we were told and my reality is that I believe he was sent to us because we could give him the best life possible no matter what obstacles are in his way. 

Could I have ever aborted him, not in a million years but maybe some other mother and woman might need to for a million reasons. Is she right to do it? Maybe. But should she have the choice? YES!!!

A New Chapter

So, I'm new to blog writting. Actually I'm new to any form of writting that isn't a long winded boring eassy. I've never written anything remotely funny or exciting in my whole life. But I figured you are never to old to start something new! 

I'm Mumma G and one of those crazy woman that has 2 little kiddies under 2, let alone 2 little boys under 2. But they are amazing little boys. The oldest is Bug Man and I can't actually believe that in just 23 days he will be 2. The years are speeding by, but I love watching him grow and becoming the smart and confident person that he is. Bug Man is the most awesome big brother to Little Jay. Little Jay is almost 6 months old and is what I like to think of as my challenge baby. Because some days if I could turn back the clock I'd tell Dr Frank to put him back and leave him there. But he is my baby and when I see his cheeky little smile my heart melts and I'm so glad he picked me to be his mumma.

Then there is my husband, DaddaG. He stole my heart in a whirlwind romance that saw us married in 364 days. From that first day I knew he was the man for me. 95% of the time I can't imagine life without him and then there is that other 5% when he leaves his dirty washing on the floor or doesn't put the rubbish out and I want to kill him. But he is my rock and my best friend, so I forgive (or will eventually) the socks on the floor.

Both of our beautiful boys where born with clefts. Bug Man was born with a unilateral cleft lip, while Little Jay had a unilateral cleft lip and palate. In the first 12 months these boys endure more than I could ever imagine and we currently await the Little Jays palate repair in a few months. Little Jay has a few other minor medical issues, but this next surgery will be our biggest challenge to date. 

& about me. Well I don't really know who I am aside from being a mumma, a wife and sadly a Facebook addict. I think once I became a mumma the rest just slowly slipped away. I struggle to find the balance between work, being a wife and being the mumma my boys deserve. I'm a perfectionist and anything less feels like a failure. But I'm hoping this blog will help me find me again and regain the passion for things that I used to have. Or at least give me something else to do other than spending way to much time on Facebook. I might even surprise myself and pick up and finish a book. Before sleep deprevation kicked in, I was an avid reader and I really do miss it.


Well I best be signing off for the night, tomorrow begins the working week. I used to love my job but now... well now that is an idea for another blog.

Night night